Star Trek Mann's Generation - Pike Efficiency
by A. Mann
Summary: TNG Season Six. Almost 100 years apart two Captains lead their Enterprise against the same enemy. When Picard fails, a survivor time travels to seek help from Captain Pike. When he refuses to do anything but drink Martini, how will our heroes survive? As this is 1960s Pike expect Martini, some references to his attitudes from 'The Cage', and one or two light hints of profanity.


**STAR TREK**

**MANN'S GENERATION**

**Season Six**

**Pike Efficiency**

_In memory of Captain Pike, an admirable or Admiral character of greater character than Sito Jaxa, with so much potential. Wrongly taken from us in both timelines, hopefully to make a miraculous plausible return some time soon._

* * *

Captain's Log stardate 10.1. The Enterprise is on course for The Three at time warp, factor five... Once in orbit we will be laying some charges! While my crew have questioned my decision I believe this is the right one. The Federation is constantly facing freighter attack in the area and until more escorts arrive the area's unguarded...

* * *

Wheeep-whooop-wheeep-whooop...

Spock: Mr Spock here! Distress signal ahead, Captain Pike to the bridge.

NCC-1701 swoops into orbit of a purple planet.

On the bridge the usual crew are at stations, Number One at the helm, Spock at science, Boyce at Pike's side.

Spock pulls some paper from a console printer and reads.

Spock: Ion trail heads into orbit... signs of space ship break up... unusual readings detected on northern continent. I suggest we start...

Pike: Can we start by burying you?!

No1: Captain, there's no longer a need to defend your thoughts from the Talosians...

Pike: Noted, Woman...

No1 smiles.

Pike: Sorry Lieutenant... I forgot - you're different.

No1 frowns.

Pike: Mister Spock call a security team, we're going down.

Boyce: There could be injured survivors down there...

Pike: There aren't signs of life Doctor.

Boyce: Someone's got to keep an eye on you... anyway, who wants a warm Martini?

Spock: OH gosh I do... (hiccup)

Pike: Address intercraft.

Command whistle.

Pike echoey: This is the Captain... IS YOUR BLOOD RED LIKE OURS?! I WANNA FIND OUT! ... Erm. I mean, we're investigating what appears to be a broken up ship. A landing party is going to investigate the planet surface, all personnel stand ready to assist any survivors... Captain out.

No1: Captain, shall I accompany you or lead the Enterprise in a search pattern?

Pike: Address intercraft.

Command whistle.

Pike echoey: This is the Captain... by now I expect all women to know your place... consider it... Captain out...

No1: I'm not a woman though, at least to you.

Pike: Address intercraft.

Command whistle:

Pike echoey: This is the Captain, for the sake of all ship announcements, Number One is to be taken as a biological woman unless I start referring to robots. Captain out.

* * *

On the planet surface (pretty standard, dull, dusty, fake-looking rocks and convenient clearing for a landing party to appear in) the landing party beams in wearing grey jackets and lasers.

Some nobodies spread out and look around. The senior men follow Pike around some rocks.

Spock: THERE! AHEAD!

Pike and Spock run up to what is obviously a shuttlecraft with its nose in the ground.

Pike: Look at that... NCC-1701- That can't be right.

Boyce runs over: The others found a casualty, and you found... the beer.

He wafts his hand.

Boyce: What did you do to that space vehicle?

Pike: I'm not drunk...

Boyce: Maybe it was Spock, travelled drunk back in time and crashed here.

Pike: I'm certain that no older form of Spock will ever go back in time and change the course of my life.

Spock: I'm not drunk. My Vulcanian physiology is having difficulty with your ships oxygen content.

Pike: Let's get inside there.

Pike lasers a hole in the shuttle and then the three crawl up inside.

Pike is knocked out by a catapulted panel that dints his head, Spock is scalded with hot liquid, and Boyce waves his hand in bother and climbs back out.

Boyce runs back to the rest of the landing party who are gathered around a small probe casing. Boyce opens it and water rushes out...

Boyce: Is that a lionfish?!

Fish: HELP! WATER! WATER!

Boyce pulls up a communicator.

Boyce: Enterprise come in.

No1: Enterprise, come in landing party.

Fish: Oh great it's season two all over again.

Boyce: There's an insolent lionfish down here that has the ability to communicate, beam it up and put it in water quickly!

No1: Transport?! Quickly?!

Boyce: This is a medical order Lieutenant, sorry.

Fish: Don't worry, it's only my life.

The fish beams out.

Pike, now conscious, stumbles over holding his hand out.

Pike: Doctor! My laser burnt my hand… and a booby-trap hurt my head…

Boyce: Ok… Looks like we need a dermal regenerator… there's one in my medical bag.

Pike uses his free hand to rummage around Boyce's bag.

Pike: OW! It's full of glass and olives and cocktail sticks!

Boyce: I never said it was my medical bag… I call this one my "medicinal" bag.

Pike: Just great…

Passing guy: At least he's not a woman. She'd have drunk it all.

Pike: I suppose I could use something to calm my nerves… and maybe some rubbing alcohol.

Boyce smiles: Who wants a warm Martini?!

People then gather round as he crouches and takes bottles and glasses out of his bag.

* * *

On the Enterprise in Sickbay later, (it looks like it did in Where no man has gone before, only more blue-grey) the fish is in a cuboid tank on the middle bed. Boyce stands in his scrubs next to it but facing the door direction, his case is also on the bed. Pike and No1 walk in and stand on the opposite side.

Pike: Is it some kind of Tuna?

Boyce: It's a lionfish, with a taste for Martini!

No1: But it's a fish, how can it talk?

Pike: Don't ask silly questions.

Boyce: Yes, woman.

Pike: So how can it talk, Doctor?

No1: But...

Boyce: Well it seems to be super-evolved.

Fish: Got that right.

Pike: Alright then Fish, identify yourself and your intent.

Fish: My name is Livinky. I am a fish, relative of Pinky and Livingston... But you won't know who they are... I'm a test pilot.

Pike: I don't wanna hear anything about time travel that might break the future if we hear it...

...

...

...

Pike: Go on?

Livinky: Well, I was piloting my shuttle with its prototype engines, the less you know about them the better.

Pike: Interesting assumption.

Livinky: I was returning to my Enterprise, the transponder went down, so I followed the glare.

Pike: Glare?

Livinky: From the Captain's head.

Pike fury: No bald man will ever command this ship!

Livinky: I know of at least two that did... Anyway, I got closer and saw the Enterprise under attack by Orion Pirates. It was taking a beating, I started coming under fire as well, so I engaged my engines to escape, but they were hit and destabilised. Next thing I know, a light, then I crashed into the planet, I escaped in my specially adapted survival probe... I was all set to go back when I was imprisoned by a weirdo offering martinis.

Boyce: On that note, who wants a warm Martini?

He rummages in his bag and pulls one out.

Pike: Your crazy implausible story aside, how many bald men command my ship?

Livinky: This one? Just the one, then a couple of haired men, a haired woman, and...

Pike: A WOMAN?! A woman will never command this ship as Captain! I'd rather be paralysed and enslaved first!

Livinky: You got it.

No1: Captain! What's so wrong with women?

Pike: Not being one yourself you wouldn't understand...

Boyce: There's one important question I have that's relevant here...

Pike: And what's that?

Boyce smiles: Who wants a warm Martini?!

He holds up two glasses.

Pike: I have one more question...

Livinky: What?

Pike: That was it... erm...

No1: The best thing to do is to return you to your Enterprise. I assume you're from the future. We need to recreate your engine accident in a way consistent with your entry into our time. We also need to establish what happened to your Enterprise... Just so we can consider the moral problems.

Pike: Number One, don't ask pointless questions.

Boyce: I have one...

Pike: A pointless question?

Boyce: Yes... and no... Either way I think you'll wanna hear this.

Pike: What is it? And it better not be about Martini...

Boyce: Alright.

Pike: Ok what is it?

Boyce: Who wants a warm alcoholic drink that tastes sweet with lemonade and sour without?

Pike: Livinky, are you by any chance tuna?

Livinky: You eat me and I'll make certain you get indigestion for the rest of your life!

Pike: Darn it.

Boyce: What happened to your Enterprise? Was it destroyed? Would we be sending you to a metaphorical toilet flush?

Livinky: I think so... I heard on the comm, the order to abandon ship… But it might have just been Geordi…

Pike: This "Geordi"… is he dangerous?

No1: I'm thinking Livinky, the light you mentioned...

Livinky: Me too, in my experience in a weak layer of space a mass of photon detonations can cause temporal instability. It's possible this happened to my shuttle, the photons and my engine explosions...

Pike: Number One, don't you have some ironing to do?

No1: Yes but I'm establishing an important course of action...

Pike: Your course should be .244.

No1: You know I have the power to mutiny don't you?

Livinky: I don't get it?

Boyce drinks the Martinis.

Boyce: turn 180 degrees, walk 21 steps, turn 50 degrees, walk 23 steps and go into cabin 244... the laundry room.

Livinky: These points aside, the moral problem...

Pike: Beating.

Livinky: Can you do something to save the Enterprise?

Pike: Yes, I can jettison the female crew compliment and create space for my hobbies and alcohol.

Livinky: That's not what I meant... MY ENTERPRISE.

Pike: We were going to drop some mines around the planet but they obviously don't work if your ship wasn't saved by them.

Livinky: My ship wasn't at the planet... and I didn't know about the mines.

Pike: Or maybe in revenge for my anti-feminism the women took control of the ship and warped us out of orbit before we could drop the mines... Number One, when you're done with the laundry recover the shuttle from the planet surface, and the landing party. Don't look inside the shuttle though, use our tractor emitter.

No1: Of course sir.

Pike and No1 leave the bay and go to the next room.

Livinky: My gosh, he's such a pig...

Boyce: I don't think so... Anyway, who wants a warm Martini?

Livinky: Just one.

Boyce pours some martini into the tank.

Pike loud: Yeah well you're a...

No1 loud: And you stink of whiskey!

...

...

...

Livinky: What happened?

Boyce walks up to the doorway and peers into the next bay.

Boyce: Who said romance was dead?

Livinky: I didn't...

Boyce: But I think I will be.

He turns around looking pale and stumbles over to Livinky.

Livinky: You look awful, have a Martini.

Boyce: I'll need more than a Martini to drown out what I just saw.

Livinky: What?

Boyce: If you can't work it out then you're the dumbest fish I've ever served martini to.

* * *

Later in the lift to the bridge, Pike and No1 stand.

Pike: Did I over-do it?

No1: No. But you could just tell the crew you're acting like a 50s guy to hide our romance from them, they wouldn't care about either.

Pike: Acting? Look, I don't want the crew knowing. I'm Captain Pike. I have an image, when we get on the bridge, I don't want anyone to suspect a thing. Let's go back to the female-slander.

The door opens and they walk to their posts.

Spock steps down to Pike's chair.

Pike: Spock?

Spock sharp: You've been seeing her haven't you? That WOMAN! Boyce told us all. I feel betrayed. You said you...

Pike: You can't feel... and it was just one dinner-date that didn't mean anything. It was blind date night and they made a mistake with the pairings... they had posters everywhere, and I hated every minute and you knew it!

Spock emotional: You would say that. It's part of your 50s guy act.

Pike: Act?

Spock: Don't ever talk to me again.

No1 looks back at Spock.

Spock angry: And I would have thought you were better than to break up a happy relationship. You scheming space-ho! This was your plan all along! Since those Talosians gave you the idea!

Pike: That's enough! No one but me can insult that scheming space-ho!

No1: HEY!

Spock hysterical: I'm not talking to you anymore Captain... or your computerised home-wrecker! You had your chance!

He storms out the bridge crying and shouting flapping his arms.

Spock: That's it! I'm going for the Kohlinar! You'll never break my hearts again!

The door shuts.

Pike: I could reeeeaaally use a warm Martini about now.

Boyce walks in with several on a tray smiling.

Boyce: ahh, who wants a warm Martini?

* * *

Later Pike is in his quarters lounging on his bed, he's staring at the monitor in the wood-effect block at the end of it. It displays pictures of planets.

The door buzzer sounds.

Pike: Go.

Spock walks in and stands by the block, turns sideways and folds his arms looking upwards.

Spock: I have a report.

Pike looks, then frowns.

Pike: Are you wearing eye shadow?

Spock: I have a report.

Pike: I thought you weren't talking to me?

Spock: I have a report Captain.

Pike: Well what is it?

Spock: We're in danger of breaking the time line directive.

Pike: How so?

Spock: The fish, if he gives us information it could change our actions, and the timeline. If we take action to save the Enterprise of the future, we'll have changed the future.

Pike: If we do nothing we'll allow them to be destroyed.

He sits up and perches.

Pike: Our mission was to drop mines... why didn't they work in the future?

Spock: That's not our mission, or have you been reading between the lines of our orders again?

Pike: We're dropping mines! Being destructive is part of a Captain's duty!

Spock: So when are we going to drop these mines?

Pike: Now.

Spock: And how many?

Pike: As many as we' got and double it.

Command whistle.

Echoey No1: This is the First Officer...

Spock mutters: glorified space ho.

A book hits Spock's head and falls down.

Echoey No1: Sensors have detected Mercenary ships approaching. It's likely these are the pirates that have been attacking our freighters. We're moving to condition yellow, prepare for battle. Bridge out.

Pike: Should have got to laying mines earlier.

Spock: Mines won't solve this.

Pike: Want me to test my theory out on your head?

Spock: Maybe we're destroyed, don't lay the mines and then the other Enterprise isn't saved... Or maybe we use our mines now...

Boyce walks in holding a glass of Martini.

Boyce: Why aren't you shooting alien ships?

Spock: Why aren't you healing the ill?

Pike: Why are you wearing eye shadow?

The ship rumbles.

The whip-whoop sounds repeatedly.

They all over-dramatically leave the room in a hurry.

* * *

On the bridge they all sit, except Boyce who stands by Pike.

The usual red alert noise sounds.

Pike: Hail the ships, ask them if their blood's red like ours?

Guy at Comm: Why?

Pike: I wanna find out!

The ship rumbles.

No1: They're firing disruptor weapons...

Pike: Ready intensity lasers and return fire!

No1: Firing.

Several noises of all kinds are heard while she pushes buttons.

No1: Five rounds fired, three critical hits. They're still coming.

Pike: Continuous attack, Number One.

Spock: That's either an instruction to her, or a bad grammar instruction to me...

Pike: Spock I can hear you plotting.

The ship shakes violently.

No1: Direct hit, forward weapons are out.

Spock receives some paper from his console printer.

Spock: Three in total, we're outgunned and surrounded.

Pike: Isn't space three-dimensional?

Spock: Yes, and once in each dimension. It's more like chess, I'm thinking ahead.

No1: Warp engines are out.

Pike: Then what can we do?

Everyone is silent.

Guy at Comm: Captain, they're hailing, they want to discuss our surrender.

Pike: A little presumptuous... Suppose there's nothing left to do... nothing to do...? So I would daydream while Number One bores the life out of me with status reports...

No1: HEY!

...

The Yeoman from 'The Cage' walks in and stands by Pike's chair, on the opposite side of Boyce.

Pike: YEOMAN! I thought I told you that when I'm on the bridge...

...

He looks her up and down, then left over at Boyce...

Pike: That... when I'm on the bridge...

He looks back.

Pike: I want your underwear!

Boyce: Gladly.

He unzips his fly.

Pike: Not you, the Yeoman I'm glaring at!

Yeoman: WHAT?!

No1 stares back.

No1: WHAT?!

Pike: Underwear! NOW! And…BOYCE!?

Boyce: Yeah?

Pike: I want all the warm Martinis you can muster!

Boyce delights.

Boyce: YES SIR!

He turns back and opens a bag on the Comm console and starts to pull out glass after glass of Martini.

Yeoman: Begging the Captain's pardon, but once you've drunk the Martini, what will you intend to do with my underwear?

Pike: Wear it! Then drink some more!

Nav guy: It's official, we're doomed and he's finally lost his marbles.

Pike jumps back and drinks his way through a long line of Martinis.

Pike: SHPOCK?! I NEEEED YOU EYEEEE-SHADOW! ... then you're gonna gonna miiiiiind meld with me and play your lute to the tune of my memory!

Spock: Drunk and badly behaved, harsh on the ears?

No1:Maybe I should take command?

Spock: Maybe you should cram it space-ho!

No1 pulls a communicator and opens it.

No1: Engine room... INCREASE TO FULL POHER!

Spock: What the?

His console explodes.

Spock: OW! That was mildly painful!

No1: Sorry... CAN YOU GIVE US ANYMORE?!

The console explodes again and singes Spock's eyebrows.

Spock lets out a high pitch squeal.

* * *

On the Orion bridge, the layout is similar to the layout of the transport in Star Trek 3. A big green man stands behind two big green men at two forward consoles in front of a view screen.

Orion Captain: What could possibly be going on?

Orion 2: Could he be daydreaming?

Orion Captain: What would a Captain be daydreaming about?

The viewer activates...

The Orions start screaming as they see Captain Pike painted green doing the dance of the Orion Animal Woman, to the same music.

it just goes on...

...

...

Orion Captain: This is... OUTRAGEOUS! IT'S DISGUSTING!

Orion 2: It's on all frequencies!

Orion Captain: Let's get out of here! Address intercraft!

Orion 2 pushes buttons.

Orion 2: Open.

Orion Captain echoey: This is the Captain, our destination is... ANYWHERE ELSE! OUR TIME WARP, FACTOR... EVERYTHING!

The ships turn and fly off.

Orion 2: We're leaving Comm range!

Orion Captain: Not fast enough!

He jumps forward and presses buttons.

Viewer Pike continues dancing, but then starts to swallow Martinis.

Orion Captain: More power to engines!

Viewer Pike: CAN YOU READ THROUGH HATE?!

Orion Captain: You are a disgusting being.

The viewer goes fuzzy.

Viewer Pike: One more question... Boyce?

Viewer Boyce: Who wants a warm Martini?

The viewer goes off.

Orion 2 sighs in relief.

* * *

On the Enterprise, everyone laughs unconvincingly.

Pike: Well, that's bought us about ten minutes...

No1: I suppose you can give the Yeoman her items back?

Pike: No, I think I'd better remain in character... and it's kinda comfortable.

Boyce: I'll fix that.

He hyposprays Pike, who then falls down.

Pike slurred: I got GREEN on your outfit Yeoman, I'll get my Yeoman to wash it out for you before I give it back.

He sleeps.

Boyce: Martini overdose. That's why I said "A" Martini... Incidentally, who wants a warm Martini?

* * *

Captain's Log. The Enterprise, under command of Number One, has dropped mines in orbit of the planet. They're designed to stay unpowered in a low orbit, but once proximity sensors are triggered they swarm any non-Starfleet ship... Just my kind of mines... I also have a terrible hangover that I'm sleeping off in sickbay. I'm sharing the room with the lionfish.

Livinky: Don't mind me.

Pike turns over on the wall-side bed, now wearing his uniform.

Pike: Let me sleep it off.

Livinky: Maybe later... but could you tell me the plan to save my Enterprise?

Pike: The what? Oh yeah, the plan. I left it in my quarters...

He gets up and walks out, down the corridor and into a small room - filled with laundry.

No1 is inside with an ironing board and a cordless iron.

Pike: Oh, sorry Number One, I need to hide from Livinky.

No1: You've been drinking again, you volunteered to drink those martinis... and you have an odour of whiskey too... At this hour I expect you...

Pike: GOSH... Now I remember why I didn't want women on the ship...

Command whistle.

Pike: Now what?

Comm: Mister Spock here! Energy fluctuation off the starboard bow.

Pike: Oh, how lovely.

Comm: Mister Spock here! The thing's still on! Find the fish and bring it to the briefing room. Spock out.

* * *

Later in the briefing room No1, Boyce, Pike sit facing the viewer, Livinky is in a tank on the table and also facing it.

A black and white sketch of a blurry energy field appears on the viewer.

Livinky: That looks like one of those temporal things caused by explosions. I think my engines must have helped.

Spock: If you can figure out what your engines did, you could set them to do it again and enter the blur. Theoretically getting you back to your time.

Livinky: But what about the Enterprise?

Pike: I plan to take her to Starbase three.

Livinky: My Enterprise!

Pike: Not our problem.

Livinky: What kind of half-assed crew is this?

Pike: It's mine.

No1: You always said us bridge guys had huge asses.

Pike: Sorry Number One, you're different of course...

she smiles.

Boyce: to the non-bridge officers that is.

She frowns.

Pike: Our mission's complete. Why should we help you? Can't prevent the explosion that destroyed your ship.

Spock: You're aware of our minefield...

Livinky: No mines went off. They're probably gone.

No1: Was your ship in orbit?

Livinky: No?

No1: Then maybe they didn't go off because they didn't detect your attackers... They would be about a century old by then...

Boyce: We're going in circles again...

Livinky: Actually I have an idea now.

Pike: You can repair your shuttle and think of ideas all you want but we can't interfere with the timeline.

Livinky: That's not true. It's not set in stone yet...

Pike: I know.

Livinky: You could always set the mines to go off on a certain date, or scan a certain pattern.

Pike: Do what you want, I'm gonna have dinner.

Boyce: The perfect acom...

Pike: No Martinis.

Boyce smiles and holds up a glass.

Boyce: Who wants a warm Lambrini?

* * *

Later Livinky sits in a globe tank in the Enterprise - D standard shuttle, on the console.

Comm beep.

Livinky: Bridge, I'm ready to launch.

Comm: Number One here, good luck... beware, we're detecting those Orions again, they're heading for your temporal blur.

Livinky: Acknowledged. Best futures, Number One.

Comm off beep.

Livinky: Engage!

The shuttle lifts off and flies out of the Enterprise shuttle bay, turning and flying away toward a blue cloudy thing.

* * *

On the bridge...

No1: Captain! The Orions are targeting the shuttle! He's under fire.

Pike: Not our problem.

Spock: I'll probably never disobey your orders again, even if I must... but there's always this time...

Pike looks over, Spock holds a laser against a bottle of Martini.

Pike looks back at the viewer.

Pike: Blackmailed... On my own ship...

He presses his chair buttons.

Pike echoey: All decks, alert.

Wheeping-and-whooping sounds.

The Enterprise heads for the blur.

There is one Orion firing on the shuttle.

* * *

Bald Captain's Log stardate five figures point one figure. The Enterprise is waiting at The Three for Livinky's return following his test flight of a new warp-ship. I'm wandering around trying to look busy. I'm currently in a jefferies tube junction.

Mann: That explains a lot...

Geordi: Like what?

Mann: He's been following me around all morning.

Picard: Your shower gel smells lovely.

Mann: And he's been coming out with creepy observations.

Picard: Your nose looks familiar. Maybe we're distant cousins, HA!

Geordi: Really?

Picard: Not you!

Mann: If you don't mind we're busy.

Geordi: yeah... are we?

Picard: Explain.

Mann: We're re-aligning Spot to fit in this cable box at the expense of warp core repairs.

He raises his arm, Spot is very flat and folded in his hand.

Picard: Sounds like good harmless fun. Carry on, chumbs.

Mann: YOU'RE NOT CAPTAIN PICARD!

He holds up a small engineering tool and shines its pink light on Picard's nose..

Picard: Please don't realign that, it's my signature talent.

Data walks in through a door.

Data: Hewwo Shpot.

Picard: Realign Mister Data, he wouldn't mind.

Data: Captain, I regret to bring you bad news.

Picard: Geordi's my Chief Engineer?

Geordi: HEY! I am in here with you... I think.

Data: I have finished the book you suggested, upon completion I took your other suggestion seriously, the book interfered with my rectal turbine and caused an overload. My rectal processor subsequently exploded and flamed through deck nine, sections one through ten... destroying the school room and seven science labs in the process. The unfortunate end result is that my rectal port is now malfunctioning.

Picard: HA! End result... YYYYEEEEESSSSSS!

Gestures with fist.

Picard: Take that you whiney little buggars!

Mann: What?!

Picard: Don't you hate the kids on this ship? (High pitched mocking) Hiii Captain ssooooo glad to seeee you, I alllways get an A... Make me an acting Ensign...

Mann: Anyway what was the book you told him to shove?

Picard: Three little pigs.

Geordi: Riker, Mann, and Mot!

Mann: He said LITTLE, Geordi.

Picard: Data... Explain?

Data: There were three pigs who decided to build houses, but each had a different idea of suitable materials.

Picard: Interesting, elaborate.

Data: One preferred straw, another wood, and another brick.

Picard: Clarify.

Data: The brick was best, as the others were susceptible to wolf attack, in essence, the wolf blew the first two houses down, but the brick was too strong.

Picard: So what happens now?

Data: There are various endings... In some cases two pigs are eaten, in others they survive and flea to the brick house, and in some versions the wolf gains entry to the brick house and is eaten.

Picard: What a waste of time! You can shove that story up you...

Mann: He already did.

Spot: Mrow!

Data looks at Spot and frowns.

Data: Why is my ciiiat folded like a shirt-garment and exhibiting signs of dimensional realignment?

Comm, Riker: RED ALERT! Captain Picard to the bridge please!

Picard: Maybe the replicator's broken.

Mann: Maybe Wesley's come to visit.

Picard looks alarmed.

Picard: I WON'T TAKE THAT CHANCE! ALL CREW TO BATTLE STATIONS!

They all rush and shove to get out the door. Geordi hits the door-frame, falls back into some flimsy circuitry, gets up, then runs through the door and into the wall opposite the doorway…

THWACK!

Mann distant: Turn right!

Geordi: Thanks.

He turns left.

* * *

On the bridge, the crew enter the bridge through the back lift and run to their posts, except for Geordi who runs in and out the other side into the lounge.

Picard sits, stands, frowns, then sits.

Picard: Hwill? You've been eating bagels in my chair again... I can feel the base supports!

Worf reads as his console beeps.

Worf: Incoming ships... Mercenaries... They're charging hweapons!

Picard: Shields to maximum, any sign of Livinky?

Data reads: I am reading Livinky's transponder... Curious... though I do not have emotions, I am reading two signatures...

Mann: Robot's broken again!

Picard: Must be an effect of his experimental warp drive...

Riker: Hail the mercenaries Mister Worf...

Worf pushes buttons.

An older Orion Captain appears on the viewer.

Picard: Greetings green man.

Orion Captain: I have an evil plan... Wanna hear?

Picard looks at his wrist watch... that he suddenly has.

Picard: Well...

Orion Captain: Years ago I ran an Orion pirate raid ship. I went after freighters in this sector. One day I found the Enterprise under Pike, in place of the freighters meddling with an unusual shuttle craft. It disappeared and Pike made a fool of me. The defeat sent me insane...

Orion off camera: I thought it was his dancing?

Orion Captain: ANYWAY! I spent the next sixty years in a mental rehabilitation unit. I was finally released and saw that what Pike was meddling with was a modern day shuttle... Time travel. I'm not here to destroy it or seek revenge, it would probably make my life a crazy paradox...

Picard: This is really dragging on... can you send me a written report with the highlights?

Orion Captain: Instead, I'm here to catch up... every single planet in this sector has become a lionfish colony! Except for this one, and above it, I find you. You're in my way. I plan to destroy you, then move on to the colonies.

Picard: Orion pirate raids are sooooo last century... Why did they let you out of that "hospital"?

Mann: Permission to address the ugly moron?

Orion Captain: Granted.

Picard: Carpet.

...

Picard: HEY! HE MEANT YOU!

Orion Captain: Did he?

Picard: Go on Mann, prove your loyalty...

Mann: Erm...

A shoe hits Mann on the head.

Picard: YOU WEREN'T LOYAL FARST ENOUGH!

Mann: What if by confronting us... (THWACK) HEY! Stop with the shoes!

Picard: I'd look a fool to just wear one! Next time I'll throw it at Worf... or Data.

Mann: Thank you. Anyway, Orion, what if by confronting us you started the thing that caused your insanity?

Orion Captain: I didn't think of it that way. On the other hand I was in the sector prepared to attack everything, now and back then. I would have been here and done whatever in either case.

...

...

...

Focusing on the command area, Picard slowly raises with a shoe... his eyes shift around, then he hurls it at Data's head.

Metallic thunk!

Shoe bounces back.

Picard: AAAA! (THWACK!) OWW!

Riker: Hey that was my shoe!

Orion Captain: I tell you an evil plan and you just throw shoes at each other?

Picard: Feeling left out? Ok...

He bends down, stands up and throws another shoe at the viewscreen.

Orion Captain jumps.

Picard (Scrooge) : HAAAAA!

He points.

Worf: Captain! Is it your intention to kick a whole in the viewer?

Picard: If the shoe fits...

Riker sniggers.

Troi: I think I'm suddenly sensing a lot of shoes.

Orion Captain: That's it. You're clearly not worth my time... with words.

The viewer goes off.

Picard: That went well.

Mann facepalms.

Picard: Mister Data, is your rectal replicator working yet?

Data: No sir.

Picard: I want my shoes!

Lench walks down carrying a pile of shoes.

Picard: AH! Lench, I knew there's a reason I didn't kill you.

Lench: HUNH?!

Picard: Oh nothing to worry about... yet. I'll get around to it.

Data's console rings.

Data: The Mercenary ship is firing.

The ship rattles.

Picard: That was just a tap on the shoulder...

THUD! WOOD CRACK NOISE! THUD!

Picard senile: AND THAT WAS A NASTY KICK IN THE BOL**KS!

Riker: Mister Worf!

Picard: Phaser dispersal patter theta one!

Worf: Firing!

Data: Message from Livinky, he expects to rendezvous in five minutes.

The Engineering console explodes and smoulders. Consoles make various bleeps and alarm ringing noises.

Picard: It's getting to smoky in here I can't breathe!

Riker: Then put your shoes back on!

RUMBLE THWACK.

Mann: Losing attitude control! ...

Picard: Is that a problem?

Mann: It is when it's mine! W-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A!

Data: Routing auxiliary power to helm attitude...

He pushes buttons then looks at Mann.

Mann looks back and growls.

Data: no response.

Picard: Don't worry, I have a shoe-lution.

A blue high heel sticks into the back of Mann's head.

Troi: HEY! I knew I sensed shoes!

Mann: OW!

Picard: A little bit delayed...

Troi: Still psychologically valid.

Riker: Like Worf's sudden pony-tail?

Troi: If he wants to be a girl then who are we to argue?

Riker: Men who are sick of incompetent counsellors and women doctors! That's who.

A second blue high heel flies and embeds into Riker's belly.

Picard: Good one Dianna! I just hope Worf doesn't get any ideas... What's that smell? ... Too late.

A foul smouldering boot flies into Mann and gets stuck over his head. Mann gets up and runs around making muffled screams.

Picard: Someone without a sense of smell help him out!

Worf: Shields are gone! We're taking hits!

Riker leaps up and helps prise Worf's boot off Mann's head.

Mann: Thanks. YYYYYY-EEEEE-U-U-U-U-U-U-UC-KC-KC-KC-KC-CK-CK! I'm going for a shower!

Riker: I'm going for lunch.

Data: May I remind you both that we're under attack?

They look back blankly as they leave the bridge.

Picard: Oh yeah! SHOOT BACK!

The side panels explode in turn.

Geordi stumbles in from the ready room.

Geordi: I was in the observation lounge, then Ten Forward... Now where am I?

Picard creeps up to Geordi and puts his mouth by Geordi's ear.

Picard: GUESS WHO!

Geordi leaps up and screams.

Data: We are under attack. The ship is exploding. Why are you not taking this seriously?

Picard: Hunh? Oh right... WORF!

Geordi: OW!

Picard walks away from Geordi.

Geordi tries to look busy and leans over to OPS and starts poking at the console.

Data puts on his obvious smile.

Data: I assume you are trying to look busy.

Geordi: Yeah, I'm trying to poke at your console... wait... It feels metallic, and strong, and cold... and it's throbbing... IS that your console?

He moves his hand up and over.

Geordi: You're smiling! WHAT IS THAT?!

Data: It is my console... On this occasion. It is approaching overload, which explains the throbbing.

Picard: Worf, ready your shoes... Fire at the enemy vessel when ready.

Worf: I just bought them... from a replicator... with energy credits... that we don't have or need.

Picard: Ready photon torpedoes.

Worf pushes buttons. The bridge goes dark, the ship rumbles, blue lights activate.

Picard: Who installed that mood lighting?

Worf: Ready!

Picard: THROW EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT!

The Enterprise fires wildly at the Mercenary ship.

Worf smacks his console.

Worf: HWE MISSED!

Picard turns back suddenly.

Picard: How deeeaaah you.

Data: Losing power... Direct hit to EPS manifolds... Slight coolant leak in...

Geordi jumps up.

Geordi: COOLANT LEAK! BRIDGE WE GOT A COOLANT LEAK IN THE ENGINE CORE, NOTHING I CAN DO, BYE BYE!

He dives, and rolls into the battle bridge lift.

Picard sits.

Data looks back at Picard and frowns and looks in disgust, as Picard sits with a newspaper - boat-shaped hat on his head, flying around a small bottle with an old aircraft carrier inside.

Picard sings: Come cheer up ma lads tis to glorrreh we steer, to find somethin new in this wondaful yiir...

Data: This cannot be?

Computer: WARNING - DEATH IMMINENT!

Data looks back at the viewer.

A shuttle drops out of warp.

Comm: Livinky to Enterprise! Status!

Data: Precarious. Suggest you evacuate the area.

Comm: Acknowledged.

The shuttle turns and the Mercenary follows.

Computer: WARNING. EXPLOSIONS IN PORT AND STARBOARD WARP NACELLES... PLEASE WEAR EYE-PROTECTION.

Data: Those explosions could destroy the ship...

Picard calm: If Jardi doesn't do it first.

Data: We need a way to boost power to containment fields to channel the explosions away from critical areas of the ship...

Picard: What about your experiment?

Data: Yes, of course. My energy converter... I could convert extreme movement, or a potent smell, or a...

Picard: Data, please, skip ahead...

Data: ...However it relied on my rectal processor... To connect it with the converter would burn out my rectal unit entirely... It would not survive.

Picard: Plug it in there, the fate of the ship rests with you and your arse!

Data: We need something potent to convert the energy from...

Picard: Worf, we need your shoes.

Data: That will suffice.

Picard: Hey look, explosions...

Data looks on the viewer and sees Livinky's shuttle disappear through a blue blur.

Data: It looks remarkably similar to the anomaly we detected approximately three years ago.

Picard: I suddenly felt dizzy, nauseous, like... Tasha.

Data runs to Worf and takes his remaining shoe, he then heads down to Lench and takes one from his pile of shoes...

Lench: See, I knew there was a reason I didn't leave.

Data then runs into the back lift.

* * *

In the main shuttle bay, the door opens and the forcefield drops, Data is taped to the floor at the very edge of the bay by the shuttle doorway, holding something that looks similar to Wesley's portable tractor emitter, Worf's boots are attached.

Data aims it at the open doorway and down slightly.

He grips the device.

Data: Firing.

It fires a green beam out of the doorway and down to between the nacelles.

The nacelles explode, but a green energy field forces the explosion aft of the ship.

The nacelles then fizzle out and go dark.

Data: Excellent.

The door closes and the room re-pressurises.

Geordi then runs in holding a number of damaged cables and isolinear chips.

Data: Geordi?

Geordi: Data, I tripped over these things in engineering. I think I broke the nacelles.

Data: Interesting, your incompetence may have saved the ship... although I will tell everyone it was me.

Geordi: Thanks Data... hey wait...

* * *

On the bridge the crew return, and to their posts.

Picard is still wearing his paper hat but is playing with a yellow rubber duck.

Picard: Q-w-w-w-w-a-k!

Riker: The bridge smells a lot better.

Data: Our nacelles will not.

Geordi: Data, your converter smells funny.

Picard: Hwhat's the status of the Mercenary?

Data reads his console.

Data: It is analysing the blue blur.

Picard: They will have detected that we're in pieces... Do we resemble a broken space hulk?

Mann: Probably. That's probably why they're not attacking us.

Picard: Hm...

He pushes a chair button.

Picard: HEY! Neh-neh- neh- neh-neh! We're still alive you green idiot!

Mann facepalms.

Riker facepalms.

Troi: I'm sensing stupidity. Maybe it's me.

She gets up and looks at the blank panel above the replicator.

Troi screams.

Troi: IT WASN'T ME WORF! I LOOKED AT THE REFLECTION, IT WASN'T ME!

Mann: I can't be bothered to look at you, who was it?

Troi: Will?

Riker: Yeah, it's me, I'm in the compartment behind the panel... and usually your mirrors.

Troi: How did you get in there so fast?

Mann: I think the real question is, considering the size of the compartment... how did he get in there so fat?

The Mercenary ship closes on the Enterprise.

At posts...

Worf: Hwhe have no hwheapons!

Picard: Maybe I should sing for them.

Riker: Maybe I should mutiny.

Picard facepalms.

Picard: You do this every Thursday.

...

As he speaks Picard uses his hands to show talking gestures.

Picard whiney: Some crew you all are... "You can't sing Captain... You're wearing obscenely tight pants Captain... You're not wearing pants Captain... You can't order him to eat sh*t Captain... You can't fly into the sun Captain... You cannot vacuum my c-i-at Captain... You can't fry Jardi's visor Captain... You can't Frisbee Guinan's hat Captain"... WHY AM I EVEN A CAPTAIN IF I CAN'T BOSS YOU ALL AROUND AND DO AS I PLEASE?!

Mann: The real question is why are you even a Captain, Captain?

Troi: I sense milkshake.

Worf: Captain? You missed the one about burning effigies of Wesley.

Picard confused: No one's ever objected to that one... In fact even Beverleh supports it.

Mann: Hey look! A shuttle's coming out the blue blur.

Picard: OPEN A CHANNEL!

Worf pushes buttons.

Worf: Open.

Mann: ATTENTION TASHA YAR! WE DON'T MISS YOU! WE DON'T CARE! LEAVE NOW OR I'LL SEND OVER OFFENSIVE PICTURES OF THE CAPTAIN DURING HIS PHYSICAL!

Picard: That's not what I would have said, but it does the job.

Comm, Livinky: ENTERPRISE! You're alive!

Picard: Arguably. I mean, Jardi's here.

Comm, Livinky: ENTERPRISE! You can defeat the Orion moron! I know how! You -

Cut out.

Mann: He's under attack! Two mercenary ships?

Data: The blur is unstable, I am reading torpedo signatures... there is a temporal displacement.

Picard: We're in no state to help Livinky or ourselves... Are we ducky? (holds up duck) Q-w-w-w-w-a-a-a-a-k.

Mann: As I recall the phasers are offline... what about photons?

Worf: They are offline, because of a power line break, and debris in the torpedo bay.

Mann: I'd do it but I'm too important.

Picard: Sounds like an awful job... LENCH!

Lench: Yeah?

Picard stands and looks at Lench by the science post, Picard is holding up the duck.

Picard: Lieutenant Commander Duck has some orders for you.

Lench: Yes Sir.

Picard: QUACK! REPAIR THE TORPEDO POWER AND CLEAR THE BAY OF DEBRIS! QUACK!

Mann: And quack while you do it!

Lench: Sir that's inconsistent with my orders from Lieutenant Commander Duck.

Picard: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK! Quack while you work! QUACK!

Lench: Yes Sir!

Lench runs out as Mm walks in and down to the helm. He hands a PADD to Mann.

Mann: Thanks... Hey Mm that wound looks nasty... Looks like it was caused by a laser scalpel?

Mm nods: Mm.

All: Crusher.

Mann: You know, if this was the old Orion fleet we'd have her head on a pike...

...

...

...

Mann: PIKE.

Picard: Pike?

Data: Pike... Ah, fish... squibbly, sealife, finned swimmer, dinner...

Picard: NOT AROUND PINKY IT'S NOT!

Mann: Where is Pinky anyway?

Picard: Designated shelter area.

Mann: And Livingston?

Picard: With him... Anyway, Pike?

Mann: The Orion said Pike and his Enterprise were here... Why? As I recall the freighters were diverted from this sector when the Lionfish League colonised the area and designated it a fish-reserve.

Picard: All except for this planet... Hwhy?

Mann: Do we know any lionfish?

Picard: P-P-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-K-Y- Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y!

Mann: To whom are you referring?

Picard: Get the shelter area on viewer!

Worf pushes buttons.

Guinan and two lionfish in tanks appear on the viewer.

Everyone screams.

Picard: PUT THE HAT BACK ON!

Guinan: Done... Is that better?

Picard: Now I remember why I told her to wear that thing... Pinky, Livingston... Does my head look bald in this hat?

Mann: Pinky, Livingston, when the Lionfish League colonised this sector why did they skip this planet?

Pinky: Not certain, just because I'm a lionfish doesn't mean I know my history.

Livingston: I remember! But I want Ice Cream before I tell you!

Mann: Fine, but, tell me first.

Livingston: Ok, but you promise to get me ice cream?

Mann: Yes.

Livingston: IT'S COVERED IN MINES!

Picard winning (scrooge): Ahhhhh!

He points at the viewer.

Mann: You're a life-saver!

Livingston: Where's the ice cream?

Mann: After the battle, I promise.

Livingston: Ok.

The viewer goes off.

Picard: Get us into orbit!

Mann: With what? No engine power, some idiot pulled the power cable out the warp core and the nacelles. The impulse engines are offline too... Some idiot jammed a boot in the reactor.

Troi: Can we use the Traveller's power of Thot?

Mann: No.

Picard: I know! I KNOW! ... Worf? Got any more shoes?

* * *

The Enterprise glides into orbit of the planet... The Mercenary follows.

* * *

On the other Enterprise...

Pike: FIRE!

Bleeps.

No1: Direct hit on the Orion! Livinky has disappeared.

Pike: I think it's time we risked it... ready the proto-type photon torpedoes.

No1: Aye Sir.

She pushes buttons that make all variety of noises.

Boyce: Is this wise?

Pike: Is leaning on my chair wreaking of Martini wise?

No1: Ready.

Pike: With luck these new torpedoes will disable their ship. LET'S TEST MY THEORY OUT ON THEIR HEADS! TARGET THEIR BRIDGE!

The Enterprise rapidly fires blue/pink bursts at the Orion ship.

It explodes all over and slowly turns and moves away.

Pike: FIRE!

No1: They're retreating.

Pike: Oh... FIRE!

No1: They're out of range.

Pike: That was fast.

Spock reads his scanner.

Spock: Reading something in the blue blur... I believe we can get a picture if we launch a multi-spacial-phasic probe into the anomaly.

Pike: Alright.

Boyce: But we'll see the future.

Pike: So? Lionfish fly space ships... Launch your probe.

Spock: We don't have one, it hasn't been invented yet.

Pike: So? Launch a regular one.

Spock: Same problem.

Pike: Divert power to sensor array Number One. Let's see what we can see...

After some beeps and button pushes, a fuzzy picture appears on the viewer.

Pike's face beams in joy.

Pike: MY MINES! Look at them go!

The viewer shows hundreds of mines swarming the mercenary ship, as it tries to turn away, the Enterprise-D is diving into low orbit.

No1: Looks like we still managed to save the day.

Everyone sighs in relief...

Spock: We shouldn't be looking at this, we've seen the future.

Boyce: I've got the cure for that...

Pike looks at Boyce...

Boyce: Who wants a warm martini?

Guy at Comm: Picking up messages Sir, on visual.

The viewer adjusts for each speaker.

Comm/Livinky: Enterprise, Jonny! What's your status?!

Comm/Picard: QU-A-A-A-A-K.

Comm/Livinky: Thank goodness. Do I have a story to tell you!

Comm/Picard: Can't it wait? Jardi's about to do something stupid...

Comm/Geordi: No I'm not.

Comm/Picard calmly: Coolant leak.

Comm/Geordi: HUNH? WHA? COOLANT LEAK! BRIDGE WE GOT A COOLANT LEAK IN THE ENGINE CORE NOTHING I'M GONNA DO!

He leaps into the lift door, and misses, landing on a pile of wires from an exploded panel.

Comm/Picard: Careful with those, we'll need to put them back later.

Comm/Geordi: What are these things? SNAKES!

Geordi screams and struggles, tangling up in various coloured and lit wires.

Comm/Riker: You shouldn't have done that... Who's gonna untangle him?

Pike: Hey look, he's a little huge but look at that hair... such fine hair, I'm certain he's a great Captain.

Comm/Picard: Let's make Lench do it.

Comm/Worf: Captain, someone is intercepting our transmission...

Comm/Picard: On screen...

Comm/Riker: It's very fuzzy but... Oh my gosh... Captain, it's...

Comm/Picard: We can see that it's the old Enterprise... I bet Tasha's in there somewhere... Hey look! Their Captain can drink on duty! Everyone take note!

Pike: THAT BALD GUY'S THE CAPTAIN?! I THOUGHT IT WAS THE BEARD-GUY! Let's hope I never end up as bald as him. I'd rather be confined to a wheel chair.

Comm/Picard: I heard that! (Ménage a Troi) THAT CAN BE ARRANGED!

Pike's eye bulge.

Pike: How can they hear us?

Boyce: Maybe it's an illusion.

Pike: A belly as big as that guy can't be an illusion...

* * *

On the Enterprise - D ...

Picard: Mister Worf, remember last month when you wanted to blow up those protesters outside the Klingon Embassy and I told you that it would be reckless and unreasonably dangerous to fire wildly into things you had no business meddling with?

Worf: Yes, you made me write an essay about it.

Picard: Well I lied. Forget every word!

Worf: Loading torpedo bays!

On the viewer is a fuzzy view of Pike's bridge.

Comm/Pike: Let's see what they can see...

He raises his first and middle finger.

Picard furious: Number One!

Comm/Pike: I got one of those...

Riker looks back at Worf

Riker (Darmok): F-I-RE!

* * *

On 1701...

Pike: You heard him Number One...

Boyce: A woman's work is never done.

Both ships fire torpedoes at each other, they meet at the anomaly and explode. It disappears.

* * *

Enterprise - D ...

Picard: Report?

Mann: The anomaly is collapsing... we can still get a picture on the scene but we can't hail.

Picard: On screen.

With triumphant end-of-episode music, the viewer then shows Pike's Enterprise turning, looking shiny and impressive, it then moves off and jumps to warp... the image disappears.

Mann: Where did that music come from? Anyway, the good thing is you didn't destroy our history.

Picard: Foiled again.

Riker: Oh! That reminds me...

He reaches back...

Riker: I sat on something that you left in your chair.

He pulls out a sword from behind.

Picard frowns and bears teeth.

Picard: I don't want it.

...

* * *

On 1701...

Pike: Well, the anomaly is collapsing... time we were going.

Spock: I can still get a brief image on screen of the other ship.

The viewer shows the Enterprise D, fuzzy, and spinning in circles vertically.

Pike: What the?

Everyone stares.

Pike: Let's forget about it... I hope my future is better than that one.

Spock: I'm certain it will be.

Pike: Alright, WHAT ARE WE RUNNING HERE, A CADET SHIP? Number One, set a course for Starbase Three.

No1: Course and time warp set.

Spock: Are you ever tempted to say 'let's do the time warp again' when you give the order more than once?

Pike bitter: Bring on your Kohlinar...

No1 pushes buttons.

No1: Ready sir.

The Yeoman walks in with a PADD and stands on the side of Pike's chair that Boyce isn't standing on.

Pike: What the? Yeoman, I thought I told you that when I'm on the bridge...

Yeoman: Yes you think you told me a lot of things... My report sir...

Pike glances.

Pike: Are those dollar signs?

Yeoman: Yes Sir, it's my dry cleaning bill and damage report, report.

Pike: E-E-E-U-U-U-UR-C-C-HHH...

No1 swings back in her chair.

No1 professional: Yeoman, you've delivered your report... **** off.

Yeoman: Yes Ma'am.

She leaves. Pike actually smiles.

Pike: Thanks, that was close.

Spock: Number One, do you ever say...

Pike: Number One... Engage.

The fuzzy picture on the viewer flies into the distance and disappears, as the theme music plays.

Pike: Where is that noise coming from?

He looks left and is alarmed to see Boyce 'ah-ing' the theme tune like a female opera singer.

* * *

Captain's Log, stardate five figures point two figures, Livinky has returned to the ship. Repairs are underway. We can't explain why our torpedoes sealed the temporal blur when it was explosions that created it in the first place... Data said something about something... I wasn't listening.

* * *

Picard is standing by his starship model in his ready room, still wearing the paper hat, he plays a violin that is out of tune, rapidly, and sounding terrible. Pinky is in the tank, and on the bulge of the tank is a similar paper hat to Picard's.

Pinky: Great goin' Jonny... You got real talent.

Door Chime.

Picard stops playing.

Picard: Come.

Troi walks in.

Picard: Are you lost?

Troi sits on the couch.

Picard: Oh, it's one of those.

Troi: My session's in here today.

* * *

A session with Counsellor Troi...

Troi sits on the couch in Picard's ready room. Picard continues to play the violin.

Troi: interesting.

Picard: Hwhat is?

Troi: That you think you can play an instrument.

Picard stops playing.

He throws the violin away and sits by Troi.

Picard: Hello.

Troi: I sense wallpaper and shiny things.

Picard: No, it's just the glare from my bald head.

Troi: I thought you might like to talk about your experience today... As usual you placed us all in unnecessary unjustified danger, but you also got a chance to interact with one of the most heroic people in Starfleet...

Picard (baffled): Data?

Troi: Captain Pike.

Picard: He called me bald. I don't like him.

Troi: He was famous for being frank, honest, and prejudiced.

Picard: Would that work with me? Go iron my hat.

SLAP... high heel lodged in forehead.

Picard: Ah, I see it wouldn't.

Mann walks in holding a lead, attached to Geordi's collar.

Mann: Oh, since when did you spend evenings in here?

Picard: Since when did he have a collar? ... Hey wait, whatever you two choose to do in your spare time is up to you, but NOT IN MY BLOODY READY ROOM!

Mann: I'm sorry I've had to do this, but Spot saw him tangled in wires and tried to join in. You know how cats love balls of string. Geordi then lost his visor in a pile of isolinear chips and starting randomly poking things into his eyes to see if they were it. Without his visor he stumbled into Riker's quarters and tripped into the Troi shrine that he hides in his wardrobe.

Picard: So the lead is for safety?

Mann: And strangling... Will put it on him.

Geordi: My neck hurts.

Picard: Splendid, splendid carry on.

Mann: I came in here so that I could report, I almost forgot.

Picard: Hwhat's your report?

Mann: Repairs are going slowly, the computer is still refusing to replicate Worf some new shoes, and I need to get Livingston his ice cream... Plus wasn't that great? We got to see one of the unsung heroes of our history, in action?

Picard: Maybe...

Mann: I also found a horrifying image in the logs for that day in the past, where Pike met Livinky...

Mann lifts up a piece of paper showing a green Pike in women's underwear downing martinis.

Picard (disgusted): I FIND IT VULGAR! IT DISSSGUSSS MEE! I HATE IT! G-H-H-E-E-ET-T OU-T!

Mann: Come on Geordi, let's go to Ten Forward.

Geordi: I thought we were in there now.

Picard: Jardi, one more thing... Get a visor that works. I'm getting tired of directing you out of my quarters every morning.

Mann: Come on.

He leads Geordi back out.

Pinky: Hey Jonny?

Picard: Hwhat?

Pinky: Let's get on with our business!

Picard happy: ALRIGHT!

He jumps up and resumes playing the violin badly, and swaying around.

Troi shrugs, stands up, and joins him in strange dancing.

* * *

In Ten Forward Mann leads Geordi up to the bar and ties his lead to a stool.

Mann then walks over to Livingston, who's in a globe tank on the bar surface.

Livingston: MANN!

Mann: Livingston, ... I'm ... sorry. I can't get you ice cream, the replicators are offline... they'll be back on in a few hours. All I could find was vacuum packed butterscotch... I'm really sorry.

Livingston soft: Mann, it's not the ice cream that counts. It's that you honestly made every effort you could to honour your agreement. I don't want your apology. Just your friendship...

Mann: AH! MORALITY IS RESTORED!

He beams a smile and the tank clunks as Mann hugs it.

Geordi, meanwhile watches people walk across the room.

Geordi: Christie!

He runs, taking the stool with him.

Mann: Darn it.

He unlatches from the tank, holding a spray bottle.

Mann: BAD GEORDI! DOWN!

He runs after him and sprays water.

Geordi: AAAAA!

He stops and then hides under a table.

Guinan walks over from the other side of the room.

Guinan: Mann, why is he on a lead? I'm happy for you both, but NOT IN MY BAR!

Mann: There's an innocent explanation... plus I thought if I led Geordi, Data might lead Spot... or at least give her a darned flea collar.

He scratches behind his ear.

Geordi: I can't see. I think I'm blind.

Guinan: And when did being incompetent at Engineering make him dumb?

Mann: Just sort of happened.

Geordi: Turn off your tricorder and my visor will work.

...

Mann: Hadn't thought of that... NO DEAL!

He sprays some more.

* * *

Operations Officer, Second Officer, Personal Log, Lieutenant Commander Data, stardate five figures point two figures. With Geordi's help I have completely ruined any chances of repair my rectal processor, as a result I have had to replicate a new one and have Spot help me successfully install it. She did a better job than my dear friend Geordi... And at Mann's request I replicated him, and Spot a flea collar each. Unfortunately Mann did not know that they were both, also, shock collars, and that by triggering one, it would set off both... He knows now however, and is attempting to recover in sickbay.

* * *

In sickbay Mann sits up on the door-near biobed with the top half of his uniform blackened, and his hair spiked, and face blackened by smoke.

Mann: Well, it was still worth it to see Spot jump eight decks...

Riker lies front-side down on the next bed.

Riker: Not for my ass it wasn't... these decks are getting thinner.

Picard stands holding a baseball bat behind Riker's bed.

Picard: This is the last time you break my decks Will!

He beings to whack Riker's behind, over and over, as Riker just yelps.

Mann: I still can't believe that Crusher hasn't even had a speaking part in this episode... of events. Or even been in the room with us.

Crusher walks in holding a tray of glasses filled with liquids.

Mann: YEY!

Crusher: I was researching a medical database for inspiration...

Picard breaks from hitting Riker.

Picard: Hwhere did it lead you?

Crusher: Who wants a warm Martini?

Mann: YEAH!

Picard: Alright!

They jump over and grab martinis.

Riker: I'd have one but my ass is paralysed from falling through eight decks, and being batted.

Picard: Don't worry, I'll have yours.

Mann raises his glass.

Mann: To Captain Pike...

Picard: ... and warm Martinis!

* * *

The Enterprise flies off into the distance...

Picard's voice: That reminds me, it's nearly the end of our sixth year in space... I wonder what's gonna ruin Christmas for us this year... Probably Data... I hope in our future they can cure hair loss...

Riker's voice: Don't count on it.

Picard's voice: Alright you...

THWACK!


End file.
